


even though they’re gone from the world, they’re never gone from us

by celebratoryfondue



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: DON'T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE FIRST EPISODE OF S11, F/F, F/M, Space Wives, this is all Imogen's fault so y'all can blame her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 13:45:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16265426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celebratoryfondue/pseuds/celebratoryfondue
Summary: The Doctor and Graham miss their wives.





	1. Chapter 1

She walks in on Graham holding a picture frame tightly in his grasp. His back is to her and she can’t see what the photograph is from the angle he’s holding it at but she can tell it’s of Grace. She considers turning around and leaving; this is obviously a very private moment and she already feels like she’s intruding, but it vividly reminds her of when she was in her last body and had just left her own wife. She’s taken back to when she was once again on Earth after twenty-four amazing, blissful, _happy_ years on Darillium. She had already known very well what loneliness feels like but after River, she had never been lonelier in all of her lives. She remembers how difficult everything was, how nearly impossible it was to adjust to life without River after having been with her for such a long time and the only things she had left were memories and photographs, and she feels her eyes filling up with tears as she once again feels the heartsache she had felt all that time ago. She tries not to let the tears fall but they do anyway, slowly making their way down her cheeks, as she thinks of all the times she would talk to the photo of River on her desk as if it really was her because she had no other option. She doesn’t wipe the tears away, instead beginning to turn away to leave Graham to his privacy, but she thinks about how hard it was even when she and River got their happy ever after. But Graham didn’t get his happy ever after with Grace, so the least the she can do is try to comfort him.

 

She takes a step towards him but suddenly she isn’t seeing Graham looking at a picture of Grace anymore, it’s now her looking at a picture of River. A choked sob escapes her lips and she turns around and runs out the room, not looking back.

 

* * *

 

Neither of them brings it up for as long as possible. She’s certain Graham knows that she had been there when she ran out but it thankfully isn’t mentioned until one day, the Doctor goes searching for the room that she and River used to share. She doesn’t have to look far because it happens to be the first door she opens; she peeks in and she’s immediately flooded with emotion. She hasn’t been in here since her previous regeneration and while it is getting harder to breathe, the feeling isn’t entirely unwelcome. She steps in and looks around, again becoming familiar with the everything in the room that had once been a normal part of her life. It feels like home.

 

There are photographs scattered around the room. Some are of River, some are of the Doctor, and some are of the both of them together. She goes over to the table that still has some of their stuff on it. There are several photos and the Doctor picks up one of them. This one is of River, who had been unaware that a picture was being taken, laughing at something the Doctor had said.

 

_“Don’t say that!” River said, giving the Doctor’s arm a light swat. The Doctor grinned, not missing the smile River was trying to hide. She pretended to glare, moving to the other side of the room where she had left her cup of tea. The Doctor continued to watch her, seeming to be unable to ever look away from River these days, smile widening as River shook her head and laughed again. The Doctor was suddenly overwhelmed, at a loss as to how River could be so beautiful without even doing anything, and decided this was a moment that needed to be saved forever, not hesitating for a moment before snapping a picture._

 

She lets her fingers trail over River’s face, only met with the cool texture of the photograph instead of the soft skin she had once known so well. She puts the picture down, only now realizing her hands are shaking, and picks up the one next to it. It’s of the both of them, River in a floor length dress and the Doctor in a suit—

 

— _that River had insisted on picking out because the Doctor had no idea what was appropriate to wear to a ball and what wasn’t. The Doctor had given in almost immediately, because it was impossible to say no to River and it ended up being worth it because she made a few comments about how good the Doctor looked. The Doctor looking this fancy was a once in a lifetime thing so Nardole insisted he take a picture of them to document this special occasion. The Doctor grumbled about it but eventually agreed, sliding next to River and putting an arm around her, smiling at her as she looked up and smiled back. Before they knew what was happening, the picture was being taken by a Nardole who looked way too pleased with himself._

 

_“We weren’t ready!” the Doctor protested, having a feeling that Nardole took it too early on purpose. “We weren’t even looking at the camera!”_

 

_“No, but you were looking at each other and you both looked.... well, you both looked happy. So I thought that would be a better photo than both of you looking at the camera with non-genuine smiles,” Nardole defends himself, and the Doctor hesitates because, okay fine, that’s actually a valid reason._

 

_The Doctor just shrugs and says to River, “Come on, we’re going to be late,” but River and Nardole can both easily tell how pleased about it the Doctor really is._

 

A faint smile forms on the Doctor’s face as the memory replays in her mind. It’s hard to believe how happy she was on Darillium, especially when she thought she’d _never_ get to have that time with River. She’s never seen herself look more in love than she does here, where she’s smiling brightly at River. She’d give anything to be there again, to be back on Darillium and know that she still has years to spend with her wife, to wake up next to her and laugh with her, to be in the arms that feel safe and _right_ around her. She hadn’t realized exactly how much she misses River but right now, she’d do anything just to feel and look at her again.

 

The next photo is once again the both of them, this time in an embrace, the Doctor’s face buried in the crook of River’s neck. _This body hadn’t been the hugging type, it wasn’t even the touching type, but somehow the Doctor’s hands were constantly on River. She certainly didn’t mind and the Doctor doesn’t think about it, instead taking every opportunity to run fingers through her hair or to hold her hand or to press a kiss to her forehead, any and every form of physical contact that the Doctor could think of._ If she tries hard enough, she can almost feel River again. It’s fleeting but she can almost feel that soft, familiar skin under her fingertips. She misses the way she and River could communicate just from a touch, how they were so in tune with each other that they didn’t even have to say a word. She had never taken anything with River for granted because she understood how important their time together was to both of them but now that everything is gone, she wishes she had appreciated it all even more than she had. _The Doctor kissed River’s neck, collarbone, and then shoulder, eyes shut and just focusing on how perfect this moment is._

 

_“Doctor,” River murmured gently, not wanting to break the spell, unable to help the smile forming on her face because she can’t think of a single thing in the universe that she’d trade this for. “Doctor, we can’t stay here all day. We have to go. They’ll all be wondering where we are.”_

 

_“Okay,” the Doctor replied, not making any effort to move away, unable to let go of River. River is where everything is safe and okay and good._

 

_“I mean it, Doctor,” River said, but she isn’t moving away either. In fact, she holds onto the Doctor even tighter, like if she lets go then Darillium, these twenty-four years they have together, will disappear._

 

_There’s the sound of a camera going off and both of them have turned to see Nardole standing there with a camera in his hands and a smile on his face. He quickly gets out of the room before they can yell at him for taking pictures of them without warning them beforehand._

 

There’s a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder and she turns, startled, and sees Graham. She doesn’t know when he entered the room but he’s now standing behind her, giving her a sad smile.

 

“Is that one of your friends?” Graham asks quietly, nodding at the photo in the Doctor’s hands.

 

“No. River isn’t a friend. She’s... so much more than a friend.” The Doctor stares at the picture for a few more seconds and then pulls herself back to the present. She turns her head to look at Graham again and smiles even though she has tears in her eyes. “She’s my wife.”

 

“Your wife?” Graham repeats, clearly surprised but he recovers quickly. “Oh. You’ve never mentioned her before.”

 

“Yeah. I know,” the Doctor says, almost guiltily. “She... well. She’s gone.”

 

“Oh,” Graham says again, watching as the Doctor places the photograph back onto the table. She turns back to him and he can see her pained expression even as she tries to hide it. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” the Doctor says, even though it isn’t. “There wasn’t a way around it. We got a lot of time together at the end that we didn’t think we’d even have so it could’ve been worse.”

 

“Do you miss her?” Graham asks. The Doctor nods immediately.

 

“I miss her more than anything,” she says, her voice cracking. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love her. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and even though it’s over, I’d never give up what we had for _anything_.”

 

Graham nods, understanding. “I feel the same about Grace.” The Doctor frowns at the mention of her. She’s tried to stop herself from feeling guilty over Grace’s death but she can’t get rid of the thoughts that if it weren’t for her, Grace would still be alive. She doesn’t say any of this out loud but Graham can tell. “It’s not your fault, you know. There’s no stopping her once she has her mind set to something, none of us could’ve done anything.”

 

“I know,” the Doctor says, turning her head slightly so he can’t see her eyes filling up with tears again. “But if I hadn’t gotten the four of you involved in the first place, then she’d... she’d still be here.”

 

“Doctor, you can’t think about it like that—”

 

“I got my happy ever after with my wife,” the Doctor interrupts. “But now because of me, you couldn’t get one with yours.”

 

“ _Doctor_.” Graham shakes his head. “I want her back more than anything but I wouldn’t change any of it. _She_ wouldn’t want me to even if I did. She died trying to save the world and I think that’s the most fitting for her.”

 

He offers the Doctor a smile and she looks at him, not able to give him one in return but she nods when she decides that he’s telling the truth. She opens her arms and he hugs her tightly, the embrace being something that both of them really need.

 

“Thank you,” the Doctor murmurs, neither of them willing to let go.


	2. Chapter 2

Grace had, without a doubt, been the most miraculous person Graham had ever known. In fact, after all he had seen and everywhere he’d gone with the Doctor, she was _still_ the most wonderful thing in his life. He saw her everywhere he went; her laugh reminding him to also keep laughing despite the one most important thing in his life missing, her smiling face encouraging him to continue doing good and helping people even when the reason they had only landed wherever it is they even were was because they were trying to get back home, her spirit in everyone who shows him any sign of kindness or positivity or good natured mischief.

 

He does it all for her. It’s no one’s fault she isn’t here anymore but that doesn’t change the fact that she _should_ be. So he keeps going for her because he can imagine how annoyed she’d be if he just gave up this amazing opportunity to see the entire universe with his grandson and friends. She’s on his mind practically at all times but traveling with the Doctor does serve to be a good distraction, allowing him to see countless of miraculous people and places and spend his time running faster than he thought he even could run while trying not to die. He’s grateful for the Doc and her adventures, honestly he doesn’t know how he’d be able to cope without them, and he’s glad he now knows she’s pretty much in the same boat as him; now neither of them has to go through this alone for any longer.

 

After the first time they actually talk about it, neither of them mentions it for a while. Their wives’ deaths are clearly sore subjects for them both but eventually Graham doesn’t think he can keep everything bottled up anymore.

 

It’s very rare that the team stays the night in the TARDIS since the Doctor drops them back home after their escapades, but this time they’re managed to arrive on a planet that has time barriers in its atmosphere so it takes a few sun rotations (the equivalent of four earth days, the Doctor has clarified for them) for the TARDIS to materialize away.

 

Graham can’t sleep, which isn’t so uncommon these days for him, and he slips out of bed to wander around the ship and explore more while (hopefully) clearing his mind a bit. He ends up in the main console room first, surprised to see the Doctor at the controls.

 

“Doc?” he asks, and she looks up from the buttons and levers she’s fiddling with to smile at him.

 

“Graham!” she says excitedly, then frowns when she remembers he’s meant to be getting rest. “What are you doing up?”

 

“I couldn’t sleep,” he admits, and the Doctor makes a face that tells him she knows what he’s going through all too well. “Thought I’d take a walk to get my thoughts under control.”

 

“Well, how do you feel about lending me a hand then?” She gestures for him to make his way over to her. “It appears my custard cream dispenser has been jammed and I’m trying to alien it.”

 

Graham, surprised because she normally does not let them even touch the console, walks over and to look at it. “I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to help; I don’t know much about fixing alien spaceships.”

 

“Oh, I don’t think it’ll be _that_ difficult.” The Doctor shrugs, then turns to grab a wrench, tape measure, and saw from the floor next to her. Graham gives her an odd look at her choice of tools but he figures it is her TARDIS, she probably knows what to do better than he does. “Here, you can take this and I’ll use the saw to open it up and we can see what’s wrong with it.”

 

It takes a lot of effort but they manage to get it done. The Doctor, unable to contain her joy at once again having unlimited custard creams at her ready whenever she needs them, pulls Graham into a tight hug. Her happiness must be contagious because Graham feels himself returning her grin, glad to have been able to help. They pull away and Graham asks, “So is this what you do when we’re not with you?”

 

“Yeah, sometimes. Other times I go on my own adventures. There’s always something to do,” she answers with a nod. “Anyway, you should be heading back to bed. You look tired, maybe you’ll actually be able to sleep this time.”

 

“I was wondering,” Graham says, as if he hadn’t heard her, “if you could tell me about your wife?”

 

The Doctor visibly softens at the mention of River. “Well, what do you want to know?”

 

“Well, how did you two meet?” Graham asks, curious because the Doctor doesn’t really seem like a person who settles down so her wife must be _very_ special.

 

The Doctor laughs; Graham has no idea how difficult that question is. “Well, we’re both time travelers so we don’t really meet in the right order. The first time she met me, I had already known her for a while. She tried to kill me but she was young and it was fine, and somewhere in the middle we got married and then as she approached her end, _I_ met _her_ for the first time. River...” the Doctor trails off, a look on her face that shows Graham that she isn’t completely in the present and is instead somewhere far into her memories, “River is the most miraculous person I’ve ever known. She’s a much better person than I could have ever even dreamed of being—”

 

“Wait, hold on a sec,” Graham interrupts. “Did you say she tried to kill you?”

 

“Yeah, I did,” the Doctor answers, a barely visible but definitely there fond smile forming on her lips. “Twice. She even went to prison for it. But it wasn’t her fault. Actually, if it wasn’t for me then she would’ve lived a perfectly normal life.”

 

Graham frowns. “What do you mean?”

 

“It’s a long story,” the Doctor admits. “A very, very, very long story. But her parents are two of my best friends and when she was born, she was kidnapped and brainwashed to kill me by some very bad people who didn’t like me. She actually succeeded the first time but then she saved me with the rest of her regenerations—”

 

“Her what?”

  
  
“Regenerations. It’s something my species can do. When we die, we can turn into someone new. We’re still the same person with the same memories but we can look, act, and think differently. One cycle has twelve regenerations. She had already regenerated twice and she used the rest to save me.”

 

“Wow,” Graham comments. “That must’ve been really hard, to never meet in the right order.”

 

“Yeah, we got used to it though. And at the end, our timelines were more in sync than they had ever been. I had already experienced her death but there was Darillium, where she goes right before her death, and we got to spend twenty-four years there together.” The Doctor gives him a teary smile. “Going there was one of the hardest things I’ve had to  do in all my lives. I put off going there for a while and pretended that everything was okay. I pretended like I wasn’t completely and utterly _terrified_ of losing her. I hadn’t seen her in ages but I pretended like it was fine because since Darillium hadn’t happened yet, that meant it wasn’t over. Eventually she did her research and while she wasn’t one hundred percent sure, she knew that it would be our last night together but for the longest time she thought I kept cancelling our plans to go there because I just... didn’t want to go or had better things to do or something.”

 

“But you did eventually go,” Graham says.

 

The Doctor nods. “Yeah. It was by accident, though. We were on a crashing ship and we ended up going right past Darillium and of course she recognized it. I couldn’t put it off anymore and I was done with being scared of it so I put on my bravest face and we went through with it. She’s gone now but I wouldn’t change anything for the universe.”

 

“I feel like that about Grace. Of course I’m sad but she was the best part of my life and I would not give up _any_ of it. I can only hope that she’s somewhere up there watching and laughing whenever I make an idiot out of myself,” Graham says, and the Doctor nods because she knows this is one of the things she and him are really able to connect over. “Anyway, I think I’m good to try getting back to sleep now. But thank you for talking about this with me; I don’t really get to talk about Grace and I think finally being able to was really helpful.”

 

“Yeah, me too,” the Doctor agrees. “I don’t talk about River very much these days but I think I should more. We should do this more often if you want.”

 

“I’d like that,” Graham nods. “Goodnight, Doctor.”

 

“Goodnight, Graham. Sweet dreams,” she says. Graham begins to turn to head out of the room. “Hey, Graham?”

 

“Yeah, Doc?” he asks, turning back to face her.

 

She puts her hand on his shoulder. “Grace would be really proud of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started this chapter like back in october but then completely forgot about it whoops but anyway i hope y'all enjoyed uwu


End file.
